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Previous Entry Approximately 3K words of ... Jun. 6th, 2006 @ 12:27 am Next Entry

First draft....
http://jic2888.home.comcast.net/Art206Project.doc
http://jic2888.home.comcast.net/Art206Bibliography.doc


ETA to link instead of fill with craptacular code.
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From:butterfly
Date:June 6th, 2006 10:37 pm (UTC)
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One of his greatest surprises came when he made a visit to Ghirlandaio’s shop in 1491 and met a six year-old Michelangelo, who, after being introduced to Aumbrio, contemptuously declared that a painter wasn’t nearly as artistic as a sculptor, and as soon as he convinced his father of the same, he’d go learn in a real workshop.

The way this is written makes it sound like Aumbrio already knows who Michelangelo is. Was M. famous at the age of six? If so, I'm even more impressed by him that before. (If not, it might flow better if you said something along the lines of "met a six year-old child named Michelangelo").

The scene where Aumbrio gives up painting is a little too abrupt and Catarina accepts really easily (would she not at least try to convince him to repaint her scenes?).

The epilogue also feels a little short, not as strongly emotional as it could be.

Apart from those three things, it's really good. I liked Caterina and Aumbrio's reaction to her. I loved the description of Aumbrio instructing his model. I really liked the changes that you made to the earlier sections.

It was sweet the way you wrote Domenico into putting Aumbrio in his self-portrait section. All the descriptions of creating the art worked really well.

It's a good story, not just a good art history descript.
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From:queenpeil
Date:June 6th, 2006 10:52 pm (UTC)
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Sounds good to us. It came through fine after the last refresh. Love, qp
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From:jic
Date:June 7th, 2006 01:18 am (UTC)
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Thanks, Mom!
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From:jic
Date:June 7th, 2006 01:17 am (UTC)
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*mwah* Thank you!

And "good story" means a really, really lot from you. *is giddy*
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From:frostfire_17
Date:June 7th, 2006 09:16 am (UTC)
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okay, I don't know how much time you have to edit this, but I will speak as though you had forever and you may whittle the suggestions down from there. *g*

a) during dialogue, adverbs be stricken! for example, "innocently" from Aumbrio on page 1. (sagely can stay, though) Most of the time, the adverb is implied already.

b) looking at this as a paper, I'd say you've hit more than enough artistic points, with plenty of citations.

c) I don't know how easy/possible this would be to fix, but: in most of the cited passages, it sounds very textbook-y. Can you paraphrase a bit more, make the quotes sound a little more natural in someone's head or coming out of their mouth, make it a little more like--oh, when Domenico's talking about techniques, okay, he's teaching, but he's also been doing this all his life. Thus, his explanations would probably be a little more--personalized. He's talking about the painting stuff on page 3--well, psychiatrist!frost asks, "how does this make you *feel*, Domenico?"

d) going along with that--I would try to characterize a little more throughout the story. Nothing too blatant--it wouldn't take much to make it sound forced, as you're working with real people--but a little more of a personal flavor to the narrative. There's got to be a little more to experiencing Savonarola taking over Florence, for example. Also, Domenico--who is he? what's he like? he's a little bland right now, and come on, he's an *artist*, he's got to be pretty nuts, no? Aumbrio--he's pretty understated, and basic young-shy-boy right now, which could work fine, especially if Domenico was played up a little more maybe? I liked his scenes with Catarina, and Catarina in general, quite a bit.

in conclusion: the line between paper and story is a hard one to toe, and I think you've done a pret-ty good job of it! You could probably turn it in and be fine; my comments are entirely literary criticism, and nothing to the quality as a project. do whatever you have time for! and good job. kudos to you!
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From:jic
Date:June 7th, 2006 01:48 pm (UTC)
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Squee! Thanks!
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From:jic
Date:June 16th, 2006 03:50 am (UTC)
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Okay, so given that I'm going to, wow, go with it -- could you maybe give an example for c) ?
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From:frostfire_17
Date:June 7th, 2006 09:16 am (UTC)
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oh, and: big yes to sci-fi Friday! will be there with bells on! what time is convenient for you to pick me up? (and hey, I have your number, I can call this time. whoo!)
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From:jic
Date:June 7th, 2006 02:00 pm (UTC)
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Anytime after 4:30
=D
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